F** Retard

"Fucking retard." That's what my wife called me this morning.

I was playing with my son whose a toddler and loves to climb on chairs. He climbed up on our desk chair and wanted me to move it to the bed so he can play this cute little game of standing on the chair and bouncing his bottom on the bed.

I just made a mistake.

I pulled the chair towards the bed, thinking he would scoot along with it like we do with his dump trucks and baskets, but he toppled backwards off the chair and flat onto the floor. I could hear his head hit the ground. I made me sick.

My wife, who was in the other room, bolted in having seen it, shouting "You half-assed idiot!" and tried to pull our crying child out of my hands.

I didn't let her have him, because I hurt him and I wanted him to know I was here for him and he was safe with me. So she stormed off to another part of the house shouting "You fucking retard."

The rest of the morning was just a long series of non-verbal rejections and avoidances from her.

I knew she was sick with the pregnancy and I offered to come home for an hour at lunch to let her lay down. She asked if I had to make up the half-hour later that day. I knew she wanted me to say no, but I couldn't. Or, maybe, I should have. What's the point of keeping my job, or being thought of highly at my job, over my family.

I know God has given me this marriage. It is with my wife that he wants me to grow and mature. But I have trouble seeing it at times like this. I wonder, "How can this last?"

Jeremiah 4:18

"Your own conduct and actions have brought this upon you. This is your punishment. How bitter it is! How it pierces to the heart!" Jeremiah 4:18

So I sat down after having a fight with my wife ... well not really a fight ... more like long drawn out repentance for how I hurt her. I've hurt her heart because I'm insensitive, even cruel in my anger towards her.

I'm a Christian. Not just a Sunday go to church Christian, but a convinced to the bone Christian.

Actually, it's only because of Jesus message I can swallow the fact of my cruelty and manipulation towards my wife. Meaning: if I did not believe Jesus valued me, even knowing how horrible I am right to my core, I wouldn't have the courage to face the truth.

"Your conduct and actions have brought this upon you..."

My problems don't begin with my wife, they begin with God. I've deliberately walked away from my spirituality and discipline in godliness. I didn't drift away. I walked away.

I had become so sick of the Christian culture and the expectations, both because I couldn't live up to them or master them, but also because I was wanting something more. I wanted Jesus, not just Jesus junk.

So instead of checking off a box on daily bible study, I quit reading all together. I figured, "If I can't read honestly, I might as well not read at all."

In the same way, I walked away from all my values ... Christian leadership, church involvement, personal purity, disciplines of prayer and bible study. One by one, I left them, feeling less dirty in abandoning them, than continuing them dishonestly.

Yet, now, I'm years down the road.

The old trips to my conscience are gone ... yet the vices -- even the thorns and thistles I've allowed to grow in my heart and habits -- are thick in my life. My longing for purity and holiness, that once burned in me brilliantly, is only a memory. I wonder if I can be that firm in my conviction again. I don't know. I hope so. I hope because Jesus is my hope.

This might be the last post in this blog. I start things well and suck at follow through. This is one of the main pains I was just repenting to my wife about.

But I'm a writer. I can't think without writing or creating somehow. The blog-o-sphere is a great place to get lost. I could bet that even though all the world could read this ... not one will. Internet anonymity. It has perks.

But if God wants to use writing again in my sanctification, maybe I'll use this space to document it.