Somehow, I wound up in a number of relational problems at work, which are very reflective of my problems with my wife. Sure I could blame a number of other people and circumstances, but I'm the central character and I don't think I'm free from blame.
I think I'm a bull-headed asshole. Worse, I'm not sure how to change.
If I were making ass-hole choices and I knew I was doing it, then I could stop. But when I'm making ass-hole choices and don't know the difference between them or any other choices ... what can I do?
The bible talks about seeing the fruit of the Spirit ... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control ... and honestly, I look at myself and see none of these. Not one. Is there any evidence of God's presence in my life other than my semi-regular awareness of my sin and repentance of it.
God do you want this anymore? I used to think you could deal with all my sins and that there was hope for the future. But I know too many places in scripture where you draw the line for a people and for a person ... am I over that yet?
Am I starring down the long road of uselessness and ultimate failure in my life. Failure in my marraige, failure in service to you and to your kingdom, failure as a father, etc.
"Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Gal 5:24.
I haven't. I mean. Some of them. Here and there, maybe. But if this describes someone who is possessed by Christ ... I can't say that this is my description. So what does that mean? Good thing I was taught, once saved always saved, or I would going out to find a church and get saved again.
Why can't I make this marraige work? How did I miss how different we are when we got married? How is this even fair to her?
This marraige has taught me to hate myself. I think it has taught her to do the same.
God?
Well ...
I'm going to try again. I'll apologize to everyone again ... which is all I seem to do ... and try to be a good father and husband again.
